This week I received my tote bag samples from the manufacturers.
What was pure joy when I first opened the package, ended up being agony in a few days. The quality was even better than I expected, so I was very very happy. I liked the sun better than the moon, as I now saw the bag in my hands. But then, when I asked for feedback, I got the opposite – the sun doesn’t match the style of the moon. ‘Of course’…I then thought ‘I always thought it was something wrong with that sun’.
So I rolled my sleeves, and started working on a different sun design. And another one, and another one, until I got ten versions. Ten versions!!
And I made it. I finally made a sun design that would fit that moon!
But the process….the process was agony. I doubted myself so much. Will I ever make something good out of it? ‘This looks bad…this looks bad’ was all I felt. And ‘this looks bad’ easily turns into ‘I’m crap, I’ll never get it right’. So, I didn’t get rid of insecurities, just by listening to them. Not listening at all doesn’t work either.
But the process was torture. And you know what the torture was? Wanting to get where I’m not. Wanting to get rid of the process, and getting it right. Looking at my design…I could see: it isn’t right. But hey! What else can you do instead of realising something’s wrong and having the will to work on it?
What if a flower would say: ‘I can’t take this any longer, I need to turn into a fruit asap, or I’ll go crazy’.
The flower knows it’s beautiful as a flower, then beautiful as a fruit, it doesn’t fight its own process. The flower simply is, and goes with it. What if all flowers would hide because they’re not fruits yet? The world would be so poor without the flowers showing their beauty. The flower is just a phase in a plant’s life cycle, which is as useful as any other phase. So don’t deny your process, it’s all so beautiful if you don’t fight it and hide it.
If you’ve got the will and you work on it, you’ll get there, even if it takes, hours, days, years, a lifetime or even more lifetimes. You’re a work in progress, what fun would it be if you couldn’t learn anything new, or get better at anything? Don’t take away that fun…
I then remembered: ‘Thou shall not kill’ applies to aliveness, whatever that means for you. Don’t kill your joy, your excitement, your passion, your love, your compassion. Don’t kill this moment. It’s you against Life…and you know who’s gonna win.
Wow, I need to listen to this day and night haha! Sometimes I write things which are wiser than I am.